Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
