i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
