if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
