I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
