my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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