we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
