Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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