someone get that fucking seahorse.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
