Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
porn star boner night. come get it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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