im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
