??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
