She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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