When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
