if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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