Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
