I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
