wrigley field is MILF paradise
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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