i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
