Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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