If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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