I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
