guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
