Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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