It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
