made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
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