my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
