I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
