I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's Friday. Sex?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize