I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
