I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
