i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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