I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
