Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
