Apparently you make a good broom.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
