Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize