i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
