you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
