"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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