i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
