Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
