if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
