Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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