Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
