Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
