i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
