john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want nice things and good sex
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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