just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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