he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
