Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
