I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
