I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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