'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I deserve this hangover.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
