I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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