She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
