Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
