Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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