It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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