you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
whose parrot is this?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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