I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize