hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
