my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
