I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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