I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
