i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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